Sep 15, 2021
Hello everyone! I’m so glad you’ve joined us today for episode
122, “The Questions We Ask …. and Fail to Ask.”
We’ve talked about asking questions before in this podcast and
the role they play in deepening our relationships. Episodes 96 and
97, for example, come to mind. I’ll have links to them at the end
of the show notes.
I was recently reminded of the power of questions at a family
camp that Janet and I and part of our family attended this past
summer. Let me tell you what happened because you may be able to
use what I picked up to deepen your relationships.
Feedback from listeners
We’ve been going to Forest Springs, located in the north woods
of the State of Wisconsin in the US for close to 20 years. It’s a
Christian youth and family camp in a pretty rural area, near
several small classic American small towns. We love going there to
get away from the pace of city life.
- Several of the people on the camp staff listen to this podcast.
One walked past us on Wednesday at lunch and told me she liked
listening to that morning’s episode, making it clear “I was doing
something else” while listening. I think she said she was washing
dishes. It must have been one of those episodes where I mentioned
podcasts are great to listen to when you’re doing some mindless
work. “Good job,” I think I remarked.
- Several others on staff also told me they like listening to the
podcast.
- But of course, what would you expect? No one there is going to
tell me the podcast stinks. They’re kind people at Forest Springs.
If we had been in New Jersey, though, I may have gotten a different
response.
Early morning conversation with a stranger
When I’m at this camp, Forest Springs, I like getting up early
before most other people and sitting in the lodge of the camp
looking out the window at the perfectly still lake on the property.
When the windows are open you can hear loons off in the distance.
The whole scene just calms my soul and brings me peace. Being near
a body of water tends to do that for me.
- It was near the end of the week and I was walking past the
large windows looking out onto the lake I passed a man sitting in
front of the window. He sat in the same spot every morning.
- This particular morning he stopped me as I walked past him and
started to engage me in a conversation. So I sat down and we
talked. I’ll call him Keith, not his real name, He was quite an
interesting man.
- One thing led to another and Keith started talking about his
son who is in his late 30s. Keith told me how his son grew up in
the family as a very committed Christian. He attended church every
week, was a leader in the youth group at church, and studied the
Bible on his own diligently. “He knows more about the Bible than I
do,” said Keith with his bible open in front of him next to a
notebook he was filling up.
- “But he’s now walked away from his faith and the church. He
doesn’t want anything to do with God at all. Why do you think
people do that, walk away from their faith like that? Totally
disregard the religious faith they were raised in. “
A question my friend didn’t want to ask
Keith’s question was an interesting one. It’s a question about
his shared past with his son. Something happened before with his
son to cause the change. Just like his dad, I wonder what it
was.
- But instead of answering Keith’s question, I asked him, “Have
you ever asked your son, why?”
“No,” I haven’t, he responded.
"Why not?” I asked.
“I guess I’m afraid of what he would
say. And I think I feel a little shame over how this.”
- Hmmm. Wow.
- Shame. Keith felt shame. A painful reaction, certainly.
- I could understand disappointment if that were my son, but
shame?
- Shame is a really strong word. It’s often about disconnection
in a relationship
- I suspect Keith viewed his son’s decision as a reflection on
him, and that felt shameful and he didn’t want to explore it
further with his son. It’s like feeling safer staying in the
shallow end of a swimming pool, all the while the more life-giving
fun is taking place in the deep end of the pool. But it was too
risky for Keith to move into the deeper water.
- In thinking about our conversation later it struck me that
Keith had no problem at all asking me questions. Thoughtful,
insightful questions. But he froze when it came to asking his own
son this question about why he departed from his faith.
- There was more at risk with his son. It could be more painful
knowing what was going on in the heart of his son than anything I,
as a complete stranger, could say.
- It’s one reason we don’t ask more meaningful questions of each
other. It keeps us in the shallow end of the pool where it’s
safe.
Two energizing questions
During the course of the rest of our week at Camp, I ran into
another one of the staff members who, together with her husband,
have become dear family friends to Janet and me. We hadn’t seen
each other in a year, and so we spent a little time catching up
with each other’s lives. At the end of the conversation our friend,
I’ll call her “Karen” because that’s her real name, said to me,
“I have two questions for you. What are you looking forward to,
and what are you dreading coming up?”
- I had to stop and think. These were great questions.
- These were different questions from the one I talked with Keith
about regarding his son. That was a question about the past.
- Karen’s questions were about the future.
- They waded me into the deeper end of our relational swimming
pool. They made me think.
These were questions that drew me to both ends of the emotional
spectrum: joy and dread.
Asking the questioner a question
After answering her questions, I turned the tables and said,
“What about you? What is something you’re looking forward to, and
what is something you’re dreading?”
- She looked so startled and said, “I’ve been asking other people
that question, but no one has ever asked me the same thing.”
Hmmm.
- That’s how it goes with people who are good at asking
questions. They are rarely asked them in return.
Unlike my conversation with Keith, this one ended with both of us
smiling.
So what does all this mean for YOU?
How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the
relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas:
- Are there questions you’re afraid to ask people close to you?
If so, what are you afraid of?
- Might God be asking you to ask that question anyway, in spite
of your fear? Or could it be that he wants you to wait, or be
silent about the matter?
- Ask someone what our friend Karen asked me, What are you
looking forward to? What are you dreading?
Or ask a different question, but make it something about the
future. A lot of the questions we ask each other are about the past
or present. So this time, ask one about the future.
- And when you do, now listen carefully, as this is important, be
sure to ask a follow-up question to whatever the other person
says.
- Finally, the next time someone asks you a really good question,
ask the same one of them.
Here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s
episode
The questions we ask others
can keep us in the shallow end of our relational swimming pool, or
they can move us to the deep end where the diving board and more
joy are found.
I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.
Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot]
org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at
the bottom of the show notes.
Closing
In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe
wherever you get your podcasts if you haven’t already done so.
I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both
reflect and to act. And to consider asking questions that will move
your relationships out of the shallow end of the pool into deeper
waters. All so you will find the joy God intends for you through
your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.
Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with
you again next week. Goodbye for now.
Related episodes you may want to listen to
097 Good Things Happen If We
Ask
096 Meaningful Questions Create
Meaningful Relationships
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